The Batman

The Dark Knight is set to be one of the biggest grossing movies of all time. Gross! Saw it last night, for free (due to lax payment issues). I suppose I could have driven to Moncton to add two movies to my choices, but adding an hour and a half round trip for a maybe movie and a yuck movie didn't seem worth it. So my choices were The Batman, The Mummy and The Stepbrothers. I guess gals don't go to movies in Amherst, but then what would that be? Mamma Mia and Traveling Pants? Mamma's Saggy Undies. No thanks.

What a piece of shit. Of all the pieces of shit released this summer, this has to be one of the worst. I bet geriatric Indy was better. At least it became a comic strip and wasn't based on one. People do what they're told. Everyone has seen this movie, you should too! Is it any good? Does it matter? Nah. What matters is being part of the crowd, no matter how miserable it makes you! Follow follow follow. Bah bah bah.

You know why the plot made no sense? 'Cause it didn't have to. They market these movies to international audiences, so it doesn't matter if they're fucking mumbling their lines and the edits cut so quickly you're like, 'what the fuck just happened and who that hell's that?' All they have to do is have a bunch of loud explosions and things with wheels that go fast and sad music at sad parts and happy music at happy parts and guns shoved in people's mouths and punching and cutting and angry, crazy threats and you've got a fucking movie, man, that'll screen in Nowheresville, Idaho and Nowheres District, China. Boom! Smash! Mumble! Burn! Boob! Growl! Boom! The end. That's Batman. What a piece of mindless shit.

There were a few cool shots and some nice set design. But that's it. I miss good movies in theatres. I really, really do.

You Are Not a Writer

No, you're not. I know you may think you are because you can hold a pen and put words down on paper with that pen. Or maybe you can type and you think it's magic! and wonderful! and creative! when the words you type turn into sentences, and those sentences turn into paragraphs. You might think, heck, if I can write a paragraph, I can write a story! But you know what? You can't write a story because you 1. never read them and 2. don't know what the heck a story is.

You are not a writer if you:
-think there's no difference between fiction and non-fiction. If you read a story and want to ask the author, 'did this happen' or 'is this true' then you're not a writer
-wrote a poem/menu/newsletter 18 years ago and your mom/co-worker/boy (or girl) friend-at-the-time thought it was great
-have had kids and think, heck, I created life, I can create anything!
-watch more TV than read
-have no sense of humour
-think 'I'm gonna write me a book' and start writing said book for, like, a week here and there, and then abandon that idea like you do all creative ideas in favour of another creative idea like making bracelets or bread or T-shirts with funny sayings
-like the above, get a new! unique! creative idea every couple of days or weeks that you think will sell! sell! sell!
-think you'll make money and be a famous writer like what's-her-name
-make fun of other writers who'd rather write than drink or watch a bad movie
-don't swear
-can't spell
-don't know anything about English grammar and/or think grammar is full of patriarchal rules made to be broken
-think 'why do stories always have to be sad and depressing?'
-think a story actual does not need a problem or suspense to be interesting or a story. In fact you think random words on a page are a story, that it's literature's patriarchal rules that say a story needs a problem and how dare someone published and/or educated tell you otherwise

And finally, you are not a writer if you tell people you are going to be a writer. Writers write. In a room. By themselves. They write because they have to, not 'cause they think it'd be kinda cool to try writing for a while. They would write even if there was no one left on the planet. In fact, they'd be happy no one was on the planet 'cause finally they wouldn't have to deal with wanna-be writers asking them, 'can you read this thing I wrote yesterday while I was waiting for the bus?' They'd finally have some peace and quiet. They'd finally write.